A guy enters the doctors office wearing a Glentoran Scarf.
"Doctor, everytime I press a part of my body I'm in agony"
"Show me" he says.
He presses on his elbow and moans in pain
"Very unusual, never seen this before" murmurs Doc "Do it again"
He presses on his left knee and howls once more with the pain
Doc looks thoughtful and asks "You're not really a Glentoran supporter are you?"
He simpers coyly "No Doctor I'm really a Blueman"
"Thought so, you've got a broken
finger"
What's long and
hard to a female
bluedog?
P 6
The following is a copy of a genuine letter from a bluedog. He's explaining the wording on his claim form to his insurance company following an accident at work .... HONEST :)
Dear Sir,
I am writing to your request for additional information.
In block number 3 of the form I put 'trying to do the job alone'. as the cause of my accident. You said I had to explain fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade and on the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a six storey building. When I completed my work I still had 150 bricks left over. Rather than carry them all down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel using a pully attached the roof.
After securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks in it. Then I went back to the ground floor and untied the rope, holding it tight to ensure a slow decent of the 500lbs of bricks. (you will note in block no.11 that I weigh 135lbs). Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say. I proceeded rather rapidly up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the 3rd floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping till the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pully.
Fortunately , by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the pain.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50lbs. ( I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block no.11).
As you might imagine, I began a rapid decent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of bricks, and fortunately only two vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain and unable to stand, watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost presence of mind ................... and let go of the rope!!
What do you call it when you blow in a bluedogs ear? A refill !!
Is it true Lee Feeny has a pet Zebra called SPOT
3 bluedogs are walking in a forest one day and come across a set of tracks. The first one looks down and says "I think these are Badger tracks". The second one looks down and says "No, I think these are Deer tracks". The third one looks down and gets hit by the train.
Fella walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat.
He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"To hell with the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner.
He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat pops up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following him, he gets scared and keeps walking till he comes to a cliff.
He throws the brass rat over, and the millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death.
The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story mate, where's the brass Linfield fan?"
A bear walks into a pub,goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a pint of .......... .............................Boddingtons please"
Barman says "Why the long paws?".
How do you get a bluedog out of a tree?
WAVE !!
How do you know if a female bluedog's been in your fridge?
There's lipstick on the cucumbers !
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Portadown next beat the Glens in an Irish Cup Final?".
God Replies, "In the next five years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Coleraine next beat the Glens in an Irish Cup Final?".
The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Linfield next beat the Glens in an Irish Cup Final?".
God Answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick
Q: Why do Man Utd fans stand up at old trafford
A: Well you would after that long car journey from Croydon
David Beckham is staggering about, drunk as a lord with a key in his hand.
"What's going on'ere then?" Says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts Beckham.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" David Wails.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy shit!" screams Beckham; "They got Posh as well!"
24 hours in a day...
24 beers in a case...
....coincidence?
Q: How do you know it's midnight in Fester's house?
A: The big hand touches the little hand.
Q: What's brown and looks good on a bluedog?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.
"I could murder a Curry!"John Major
After having their 11th child a couple of bluedog supporters decided that 11 was enough, as they couldn't afford another scarf.
So the husband went to the local doctor and told him that his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a big banger, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The bluedog said, " I might not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a banger in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"
"trust me", said the doctor
So the bluedog went home, lit a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ..... At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his knees and resumed counting on the other hand.
Q. What's the difference between a hedgehog and Windsor Park?
A. The pricks are always outside a hedgehog.
Q. How many bluedogs does it take to pave a driveway?
A. Depends how thin you slice them
Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart.
He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke!" the father screamed. "For God's sake get out of there before he shits all over you!"
10 comments from female bluedogs during sex.
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
3. But whipped cream makes me break out.
4. This room rents by the Hour!
5. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
6. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
7. Ohhhhh Davy !!!! .... DOH!
8. I think you have it on backwards.
9. Watch you don't hit the horn.
10. NEXT !!!
What's the difference between a Linfield supporter and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What do you get if you see a bluedog buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand
11 men were holding desperately to a rope hanging from the helicopter which had just rescued them from their sinking ship. Ten Linfield supporters and a Glenman.
It wasn't long before the pilot realised he was struggling, they were far too heavy. He yelled down to them that one person would have to let go of the rope or it would break and everyone would die.
They couldn't decide who should go until finally the Glenman volunteered to make the sacrifice. In a somber but trembling voice he gave a very moving speech, saying how he would let go to spare all his friends and asked that they remember him.
Before he could release his grip, all the bluedogs started clapping.
