Justy McBride goes up to Noel Bailie at Windsor one day and says, "Hey Noel, it's my birthday today, know how old I am?"
Noel says, "No Justy ...how old are you?"
He smiles, "I'm twenty seven!"
He sees David Jeffrey standing behind him and skips across, "Hey, Davy, know how old I am today?"
Davy says, "Come closer..."
He unzips his jeans and reaches a big fat arm down into his underwear.
He fondles around for a few minutes and then he says, "You're twenty seven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
He says, "I heard you tell Noel Bailie."
David Jeffrey and the missus go to the Ulster hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, DJ felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked DJ's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% DJ was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and DJ were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found Glenn Ferguson dead in their drive.
Two Bluedogs are walking along the Newtownards Road when they see a sign:
Suits £3.50;
Shirts £3.20;
Trousers £3.25;
One turns to the other and says "Look at that Seamus - we could buy a load of that gear and when we get back to the Shankill we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say a word, let me do all the talking cause if they know we're bluedogs they'll knock our pan in."
They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £3.50, 100 shirts at £3.20 and 50 trousers at £3.25
The owner of the shop says "You're two bluedogs aren't you ?"
He says "Yes, how did you know that ?",
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners..."
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the
bonnet of their car.
"Quick sister,"screams one nun,"Show him your cross !"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts,
"Oi You! - F*** off!"
Glenn:"DJ, why do I keep going round in circles?"
DJ: "Shut up Fergy, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"
What's got one leg and bleeds?
Half a bluedog.
Hear about the dyslexic bluedog pimp?
He bought an old Warehouse...
Why do indians call David Jeffrey pale-face?
Because he has a bucket shaped head!
Q. Why does it take ages to build a bluedog snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
Two female bluedogs walking down the street are passing a flower shop when one happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The other looks quizingly at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The first one says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The second says, "Don't you have a vase?" .
A bluedog went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of bluedogs, saying they were all thick.
The crowd roared with laughter, but the bluedog was furious.
Outraged, he stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of bluedogs!"
The ventriloquist replied saying, "Sir, I'm very very sorry. But it's all just
part of the act."
The bluedog was having none of it and yelled, "Who the hell asked you!
I'm talking to that other wee bastard on your knee!"
Two bluedogs are on opposite sides
of a lake. "How do I get to the
other side?" says the first.
"Duh! You ARE on the other side!"
DO YOU .......
... go to your family reunions looking for a date?
... think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy?
... have more than three cousins named "Bubba"?
... have an Elvis Jelly mould?
... have any trophies from a tobacco spittin' contest?
... have hubcap wind chimes anywhere at home?
... play the banjo in your high school band?
... avoid visiting relatives in case you get mud on your tyres?
... honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures?
... owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income?
... ever barbeque Spam on the grill?
... have graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house?
